The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Esteban]

A ghost walks into a bar.
Bartender asks,
"What'll you have?"
Ghost says,
"I'm here for the BOOs!"

[BMWGUYinCO]

(For my tech brethren):

Have you heard of the band 1023MB?

They haven't gotten a gig yet...

[BMWGUYinCO]

I wasn't strong enough to do my job, so I gave them my too weak notice.

[BMWGUYinCO]

I have failed math classes so many times....

I can't even count!

[Kowalski2011]

A farmer had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The farmer thought for a second and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator!'

[KRS_SN]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment -
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[M5Rick]

I don't know how to act my age,
I've never been this old before.

[BMWGUYinCO]

Breaking News!

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

[BMWGUYinCO]

Sign of the financial times....

I told my surgeon I could no longer afford his services.

He said "Suture self"

[BMWGUYinCO]

I have sex daily
I mean dyslexia
Fcuk

[Lady Jane]

A battery walks into a bar.

The bartender says: " I'll serve you, just don't start anything."

[M5Rick]

Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

Because he has a great fall.

[Esteban]

A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender tells him they don't serve string in his bar and to get out.

The rope goes outside, messes up his hair, ties himself up, and walks back into the bar.

The bartender sees him and says "aren't you the rope that was just in here?" The rope responds "not me, I'm a frayed knot."

[Lady Jane]

I decided to go to the Halloween party dressed as a sexy screwdriver. I'm sure I'll turn a few heads.

[garyfried]

I was setting a mouse trap and ran out of cheese. I decided to substitute a picture of cheese and actually caught a picture of a mouse.

[M5Rick]

Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand?

A palm tree!

[Buug959]

I accidentally took my cats meds last night. Don't ask meow.

[Buug959]

I was incredibly surprised when the stationary store moved.

[3.0L]

Cannibal #1: "I don't like clowns."

Cannibal #2: "Me neither. They taste funny."

[Buug959]

Doctor: Is there any chance that you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am then I'm giving birth to batteries.

[Buug959]

RDT

[Buug959]

LOF