The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[BMWGUYinCO]

I was going to start a bourbon company.....but I heard it's a whiskey business.

[KRS_SN]

My Egyptian friend has depression.When i called he told me he is in de Nile

[KRS_SN]

An archaeologist is a person who's career lies in ruins
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Laurence J. Peter
An editor is a person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.

Elbert Hubbard
A journalist is someone who spend 50% of its time not saying what he knows and 50% of its time talking about things he doesn't know.

A psychologist is a man whom you pay a lot of money to ask you questions that your wife asks free of charge.

[3.0L]

.

[3.0L]

.

[KRS_SN]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife.............

'Hey, this looks like yours!' . . .

"I don't remember much after that."

[KRS_SN]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but had the same last name, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket!"

After a moment of silence, ......he farted.

[3.0L]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats would you have?

Little Johnny: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats would you have?

Little Johnny: Seven!

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?

Little Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?

Little Johnny: Seven!

Teacher: Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!

Little Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!

[M5Rick]

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

[KRS_SN]

Rodney arrives in the outback to take over a farm.
He's feeling a bit lonely but after 2 weeks gets a phonecall..'G'day mate i'm Bruce your next door neighbour. Look I'm only 50 miles away and i was thinking of throwing a party.

Rodney : 'Great I'd love to come'

Bruce : 'Fine then. I think i ought to warn you that there will be a lot of booze'

Rodney: 'No problem'

Bruce : 'And there may be a lot of Sex'

Rodney: 'I think I can handle that old chap!'

Bruce : 'And violence ?'

Rodney : I am tougher than you think. What's the Dress Code by the way ?'

Bruce : 'Oh make it casual, there's only going to be the two of us !!

[KRS_SN]

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

Rodney arrives in the outback to take over a farm.
He's feeling a bit lonely but after 2 weeks gets a phonecall..'G'day mate i'm Bruce your next door neighbour. Look I'm only 50 miles away and i was thinking of throwing a party.

Rodney : 'Great I'd love to come'

Bruce : 'Fine then. I think i ought to warn you that there will be a lot of booze'

Rodney: 'No problem'

Bruce : 'And there may be a lot of Sex'

Rodney: 'I think I can handle that old chap!'

Bruce : 'And violence ?'

Rodney : I am tougher than you think. What's the Dress Code by the way ?'

Bruce : 'Oh make it casual, there's only going to be the two of us !!

It's the way you tell 'em KRS

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

It's the way you tell 'em KRS

A man is sent to prison for the first time.

The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, “twelve!”

The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “four!” Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

“Why are you guys just yelling numbers?” He asks his cellmate. “What’s so funny about random numbers?”

“Well,” says the older prisoner, “They’re not random. It’s just that we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it.”

Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, “SIX!” But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, “What’s wrong? Why didn’t I get any laughs?”

“You didn’t tell it right.”

[3.0L]

Teacher: "How far have you gone with your homework Johnny?"

Little Johnny: "About 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning."

[vreihen16]

I once dated a girl with a twin, and friends always asked me how I could tell them apart?

It was simple. Allison painted her nails red...

...and Bob had a beard.....

[Buug959]

It was a very emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers.

[KRS_SN]

Roy always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, Bessie, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope."
Frustrated, Roy storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room with nothing on, except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?!?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Roy , what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Roy yells, "And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Roy ."

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

My Egyptian friend has depression.When i called he told me he is in de Nile

On theme:

What do you call students at an Egyptian plumbing school?

Pharaoh Fawcett Majors

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

There was a young man from Nantucket,
Whose d*ck was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin, as he came on his chin,
If my ear was a kunt I could fukc it.

There once was a man from Kent,
Whose d*ck was so long it was bent.
To stay out of trouble, he stuck in double,
And instead of coming he went.

[KRS_SN]

New research has demonstrated that an idea can be successfully implanted in the mind of an alcoholic to make him or her stop drinking. That's a sobering thought.

[KRS_SN]

Woman pregnant with triplets walking down the High Street
Bank robber firing his gun rushes out of bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen
Rushed to hospital where the marvellous doctors (and nurses if nurses in audience) save her life and amazingly she gives birth to two girls and a boy.

16 years later one of the girls comes rushing in, in tears.
"Mummy I just went to spend a penny and passed a bullet"
"Amazing that must be from when you were shot before you were born!"
She tells her daughter the story and the next day the second daughter comes rushing in also in tears
"Don't tell me" she says "you have just been to spend a penny and passed a bullet?"
"How did you know mum?" So she tells her the story too!
The next day her son comes in also in tears;
"Don't tell me" she says "you have just been to spend a penny and passed a bullet?"
"No mum" (in a growly male voice) "I was having a wank and I shot the dog!!"

[KRS_SN]

A rich man and a poor man are talking about the Xmas presents they got for their wives.

The rich man says "I got my wife a new Audi and a diamond ring. That way, if she doesn't like the ring she can take it back to the shop in her shiny new car and she won't be too upset."

The poor man says "I got my wife a pair of slippers and a vibrator. That way, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go and f#@k herself!"