The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Buug959]

What's Peter Pan's favourite place to eat out?



Wendys

[2000cs]

Originally Posted by Buug959

What's Peter Pan's favourite place to eat out?



Wendys

I thought Peter Pan was a washbasin in a whorehouse?

[3.0L]

I live near the base of a pretty steep, rocky mountain. Several times a year a rescue helicopter arrives to recover someone who did a "Peter Pan" off the peak. Rarely turns out well.

[Buug959]

How does a woman control her man's liquor?



She holds him by the ears.

[M5Rick]

What lights up a soccer stadium?

A soccer match.

[Dino GT]

The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
In front of you? He asked.
The nurse says: Well no, but I've seen a naked human body before.
The man said: Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body. I won't laugh said the nurse: I'm a professional.
In over 20 years I never laughed at a patient.
Okay then, said the man. He removed all his clothing, revealing a huge manly body with the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life. It was almost identical to a triple A battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started laughing.
Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's private parts she said: I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me. I promise that it won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?
The man said, "It's swollen" ....The nurse fainted.

[KRS_SN]

Originally Posted by Dino GT

The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
In front of you? He asked.
The nurse says: Well no, but I've seen a naked human body before.
The man said: Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body. I won't laugh said the nurse: I'm a professional.
In over 20 years I never laughed at a patient.
Okay then, said the man. He removed all his clothing, revealing a huge manly body with the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life. It was almost identical to a triple A battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started laughing.
Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's private parts she said: I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me. I promise that it won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?
The man said, "It's swollen" ....The nurse fainted.

[KRS_SN]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

[rwheels]

.

[vreihen16]

A man spent all his life alone, finding no love. At age 96, he dies and goes to heaven.

At the same time, a woman spent all her life alone, finding no love. At age 102, she dies and goes to heaven.

As chance has it, they both meet at the heavenly library, discovering they both have a deep love for books, they start talking and amazingly enough, after a lifetime of unhappiness, fall in love.

They walk up to God and ask to be married.

"Give me some time," Says God, "and I’ll get back to you. This is quite extraordinary."

Four years pass, and after the couple waited patiently, God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.

A few centuries pass and the man and woman fall out of love.

They approach God once more and this time they ask, sadly, for a divorce.

God responds: “It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”

[KRS_SN]

Put your wife in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & see who is Happy to see you, and who will BITE you !

The extended version says...
Put your husband in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you.. but you'll be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before!!!


"If you want to be
Happy with your husband,
Love him Less &
Understand him more !

If you want to be
Happy with your wife,
Love her More &
NEVER try to Understand her !"


No one teaches a Volcano how to Erupt....No one teaches a Tsunami how to Rise...No one teaches a Hurricane how to Sway...No one teaches a MAN how to choose a WIFE or a WOMAN how to choose a HUSBAND.

Natural Disasters Just Happen....

[KRS_SN]

Sarah's parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend. This is the first time the 28-year old has brought a man to meet her parents. Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass. They both wore their best clothes and waited for Sarah.

At 8PM they hear that ring. They open the door and Sarah is there, standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looks like it has been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face. He looks like he beats people for a living.

After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take Sarah to the kitchen.

"What the heck, Sarah?" asked her mother, "Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!"

"You've got him all wrong," said Sarah, irritated, "he's an incredibly nice and charitable guy."

"What makes you say that?" asked her father.

"Well, just this month he spent 200 hours serving his community!"

[Buug959]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

Sarah's parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend. This is the first time the 28-year old has brought a man to meet her parents. Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass. They both wore their best clothes and waited for Sarah.

At 8PM they hear that ring. They open the door and Sarah is there, standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looks like it has been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face. He looks like he beats people for a living.

After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take Sarah to the kitchen.

"What the heck, Sarah?" asked her mother, "Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!"

"You've got him all wrong," said Sarah, irritated, "he's an incredibly nice and charitable guy."

"What makes you say that?" asked her father.

"Well, just this month he spent 200 hours serving his community!"

Poor Sarah.

[gjm120]

Originally Posted by rwheels

Yep

[KRS_SN]

Originally Posted by Buug959

Poor Sarah.

Poor bloke
Imagine the tough guy once she's his wife:-)

[KRS_SN]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk the same burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[Buug959]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

Poor bloke
Imagine the tough guy once she's his wife:-)

[Josh-PA]

How come there was never a pregnant barbie?

Ken came in a different box.

[Josh-PA]

What does an 80yr old grandmother taste like?

Depends.

[Buug959]

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing. They just waved.

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by Josh-PA

What does an 80yr old grandmother taste like?

Depends.

[Dino GT]

Every weekend I tell myself, John...You gotta quit drinking man!
Thank God my name is not John!!