The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Buug959]

If Ironman and the Silver Surfer teamed up would they be alloys?

[Esteban]

I made a New Year's resolution to stop procrastinating, but I'm going to wait until next year to start.

[Buug959]

How do you make your wife cry during sex?

You call her.

[Soul_Glo]

Two Cadillac drivers got in a fender-bender, got out of their cars, and then started yelling at each other.

Within a few seconds, they were in a fistfight. I guess you could say things Escaladed quickly.

[Soul_Glo]

A guy dials his home phone number from work.
A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh.. is this 832-4173?"

[Esteban]

A man walks into a bar with a bag and orders a drink. After awhile, the bartender asks him, “What is in the bag?” The man says, “Nothing, don’t worry about it.”

The night continues and the bartender keeps asking but the man keeps giving him the same answer. Towards the end of the night the bartender offers the man a free beer if the man shows him what is in the bag. The man agrees. He reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny man that sits down and starts playing the piano.

The bartender says, “Wow! That’s amazing! Where did you find that guy?” The man looks up and says, “I have this magic lamp that grants me wishes, but the stupid thing is broken.” The man then hands the bartender the lamp and says, “You can try it if you want.” The bartender happily grabs the lamp and wishes for a million bucks and the room is suddenly filled with a million ducks. “This thing is definitely broken!” says the bartender. The man replies, “Tell me about it, do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

[Soul_Glo]

🦇

[gjm120]

A sequel to Esteban 's joke:

A brand new Ferrari pulls up in front of a bar. Out walks a guy who is obviously very wealthy. He is also extremely handsome but has a very small head.

He sits down orders a drink and is getting some attention from a woman. She finally strikes up a conversation with him and they chat for a while. After some time she tells him how taken she is with him but wants to ask one thing – you seem to have everything- money, looks but your small head is kind of strange. She asks how that happened. He explains he was walking along a beach and found a mermaid beached in the sand. He pulled her back to deep enough water and the mermaid said she would grant the man 3 wishes. He said ok – I want significant wealth. I want to be very handsome. Then he asked to have intercourse with you. She said I can’t do that for obvious reasons. So he said “ok, how about a little head”.

[Lady Jane]

An elderly patient was on full oxygen therapy when he asked the attending nurse in a muffled voice if his testicles were black.

The nurse informed him that his physician would be doing his rounds in the morning and that he could discuss the matter with him.

The patient then pleaded: " Please nurse, I have to know now...Please."

Although a bit hesitant, the nurse pulled back the sheets and started a gentle visual and tactile examination of the patient.

After a few minute or so, she informed the elderly gentleman that everything was fine down below.

With a big sigh, he removed his oxygen mask and said: "Thank you. That was very nice. But can you tell me if my test results are back?"

[KRS_SN]

It’s 10pm when the phone rings in Dr. Stein’s house. “It’s Dr. Gold,” says his wife, passing him the phone, “I do hope it’s not another emergency.”

Dr. Stein takes the phone and says “Hi, what’s up?”

“Don’t worry, everything’s OK,” replies Dr. Gold. “It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a game of bridge and we’re short one player so we thought you might like to come over and join us?”

“Sure …. yes, of course,” replies Dr. Stein, putting on a serious voice, “I’m leaving right now.” And he puts down the phone.

“What’s happened?” his wife asks, with a worried look.

“It’s very serious,” Dr. Stein replies.

“They’ve already called three doctors.”

[Esteban]

What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me, I'm going in.

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

🦇

I humor this kind of love. Funny very indeed! ):

[HFW003]

An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.

He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

“No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

[Soul_Glo]

Cop: “When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.”

Driver: “You’re wrong, officer. It’s only my hat that makes me look that old.”

[Buug959]

Someone asked me to name two things that hold water.

I was like well damn.

[HFW003]

Two old blokes, one 80 and one 87 were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well I eat rye bread every day.
“It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies”.
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some”?
He said, “I want five loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”
He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this stuff but me”.

[Esteban]

Mrs. Jones is suffering from a rare heart condition. She goes to see the doctor and he prescribes male hormones - testosterone, 2 pills a day. She takes them and 2 months later goes back to the doctor and says "doctor, that hormone medicine is doing wonders for my heart, the only problem is that I'm growing hair in places I've never had hair before." The doctor says "don't worry about it Mrs. Jones, the hair is to be expected. Where exactly is this hair growing" he asks.
She says "on my balls doctor... on my balls."

Heard this joke in the movie "Solace," told by Anthony Hopkins.

[Addbuyer]

L

[snowbimmer]

Oldie........

A chemical engineer, a electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a Microsoft engineer are driving down the freeway. The car sputters and suddenly comes to a halt. They all look at each other. Well, one of them says, any ideas?

The chemical engineer says, "It's the gas, for sure. Must have gotten contaminated. I'll drain the fuel system while one of you hoofs it back to that gas station we passed awhile ago.

The electrical engineer says, "No, no, no. By the way it stopped, we must have lost spark. We're obviously going to need a new battery.

The mechanical engineer says. "Wow. You guys are both wrong. Didn't you feel anything? We have a broken crankshaft.

Then they all turned to the Microsoft engineer and said, "Well, what do you think?"

She said, "I've listened intently to all your theories. You all make valid points. But, before we try those, why don't we all just get out of the car, walk around it and get back in."

It fired right up.

[Lady Jane]

3 DOGS AT THE VET'S.

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting
room at the vet's, when they struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the
yellow Labrador and said "So, why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I
piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the
kids.

But the final straw was last night, when
I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet
going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply
from the yellow Lab, "they reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the
Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig
under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of
it.

When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets,
but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners'
couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?"
the Yellow Lab enquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the
dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the
Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane.

"I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,
a pillow, the table, fence posts, I want to hump everything I
see.

Yesterday my owner had just got out of
the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help
myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged
a sad glance and said,

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said,

"No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped !"

[3.0L]

Is a moron than off?

[KRS_SN]

Albert Einstein had to speak at a Christmas science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that he looks a bit like
him: The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of your speeches, and even though I don’t know anything
about science, I can remember enough to give the speech in your place.” “That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch
places then!” So they switch clothes and the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while
the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, sits in the audience. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress
and asks Einstein a very difficult question, hoping he won’t be able to respond. The driver looks at him and says “Sir, your
question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it.